The Legend of Tarzan

The Legend of Tarzan ½

Thus far, this is the worst movie ive seen this year. Somehow it trumps both Gods of Egypt and London Has Fallen, which is a mighty feat.

For those poor souls who actually saw Gods of Egypt, you might remember it as the biggest shitty CGI-bonanza blockbuster, pretty much ever. And while The Legend of Tarzan doesnt seem like, or should be for that matter, a CGI clusterfuck like that faux egyptian abomination, it most definitely is, for some dumb motherfucking reason.

Until i see proof of anything else, im assuming that 90% of this movie is CG. Even Alexander Skarsgård. This is hands down, the least professional use of greenscreen i have ever seen in a big budget movie of this size. The majority of scenes including Skarsgård had the most incompetent lighting, where you could almost see the green bouncing off his skin. He did not merge or belong in any of the environments this movie put him in.

If you take a peak at my ratings for modern blockbusters, you can see that i am a pretty forgiving guy. CGI doesnt need to be perfect, as long as there are other elements that can ground the experience. Such as a good story, plot, characters, acting, editing, cinematography, score or sequences. This movie does not accomplish any of these things. Not only does it not accomplish any of these basic goals, but it does every single one of them wrong.

The lore is semi-unrecognizable for most viewers who only have experience with the Disney feature. The story is incredibly bland and eventless. Themes being brought up, as slavery and xenophobia are butchered. Annoying flashback sequences, that add nothing that isnt already known by every single audience member. Shallow characters. They even managed to make Tarzan boring. Limp,soulless acting, with horrible accents. Editing which im unsure if i want to call pretentious or utterly incompetent, which ruins every action sequence in the film. Unwarranted cinematography that tries so hard to be cool, and sometimes actually is, but then is ruined yet again by preposterous confusing editing. A completely unmemorable bland score, and actionscenes which makes anything Paul Greengrass has ever made look tidy. And i cannot stress enough, how horribly bad the CGI was. From now on, this will the bar of unacceptable CGI for me.

I was bored, pissed and amazed at how this movie was released as it is. So much of this movie could have been fixed by better post-production effort. Hiring a editor who didnt grow up editing quickscoping videoes for Call of Duty would have helped. A score with some pizzazz. Fucking teaming up with Disney and stole some Jungle Book animations, from a movie did the exact same thing, only it looked like superior to Animal Planet programming, except something thrown out of a 8 year old scrapped Tarzan game for the PSP.

But even though these problems were to be fixed, there is no way this movie would ever be higher than "meh". Because this is a lost cause. And i think the cast and crew realized this very early on. There is zero passion, and not a single engaging aspect of this piece of garbagepile trainwreck clusterfuck.

This is the most horrid new release ive seen this year, and i do not say that lightly. Not even Sam Jackson could drag this up from the dark watery depths this movie drowned in. It is seriously THAT bad. Do not pay to watch this. Do not watch this. Erase the existence of this movie from your cortex. Youre welcome.

Also, MARGO ROBBIE YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING SUCK IN SUICIDE SQUAD, BECAUSE THE FIRE YOU SPARKED IN MY HEART IS RAPIDLY EXTINGUISHING, AND I DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

Sigfred Storstrand liked these reviews