• Crowing Pains

    Crowing Pains

    "Sufferin succotash, I'm a mother!" 

  • Zodiac

    Zodiac

    As I sat beside a tree pondering what exactly didn't work for me about Zodiac, a cute little squirrel appears strolling along next me. He stops to make an observation. He's completely still. I try not to make any sudden movements that might scare him off. As I turn my head slowly back to the front of me, I hear a voice from below. Hey. I look back to the squirrel. With a confused look upon my face, he asks

        where's my fucking animal crackers

  • Amityville II: The Possession

    Amityville II: The Possession

    It's much funnier when you imagine that Burt Young and Rutanya Alda are playing Shia LaBeouf's parents from Transformers

  • Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders

    Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The love story sub plot was kinda weird. Scooby acts like a pompous dick when first meeting the female dog. He's trying to do tricks to impress her and attempts to put his arm around her despite her clear disinterest. Next thing you know, he's being rewarded for his actions when the girl dog is showing him affection. I couldn't help but be turned off by Shaggy's gluttony and greed. His excited reaction to discovering gold was obnoxious. Furthermore, at…

  • Bad Boys

    Bad Boys

    ★★★

    "Trippin on shit I know is there"
    Some slapstick that actually made me laugh

    When Marcus asks Mike for a Coke, I felt that. I was feeling the heat coming from this movie


    *spoiler warning*

    Viewed with Michael Bay commentary

    Julie knows what's going on here. You can view this as a movie about two cops who love one other like brothers who's escape from reality is when they're together on the job. You wouldn't be wrong, but you also…

  • The Lion King

    The Lion King

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Who in our lifetime relates to Simba, being the arrogant son of a king who's only responsibility in life is to take over the throne? The sons of greedy business men? George W. Bush?

    Nala was literally about to hunt and kill Pumbaa had it not been for Simba. This is a world where animals are still very much animals, but also, they're adorable! Buy the merch.

    Maybe relating our lives to the real life animal food chain wasn't the…

  • Aladdin

    Aladdin

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    My question of whether The Princess and the Frog was the first and only Disney animated film to feature a shot of 💩 has been answered. No, it was not the first. I really thought Aladdin was above this, but apparently my recollection of the Disney renassaince was a bit off.

    There isn't really much of a story, is there? Aladdin suffers no consequences for lying. If Aladdin is such a diamond in the rough, why is he sending a message…

  • Tarzan

    Tarzan

    So I guess Tantor's parents just never came back for him. They just left the kid behind to be eaten by "piranhas" or whatever..

  • Sonic the Hedgehog

    Sonic the Hedgehog

    Sonic the Hedgehog rips a chili dog fart. A bare ass chili dog fart. That's all you need to know. 

    Look, It was on Hulu. I was curious.
    Now my prior impression has been justified.

    The budget should have gone toward a video game loyal animated feature instead to this bag of burning feces of a film from 2011.

  • Inspector Gadget

    Inspector Gadget

    That lady was freaking out about being sprayed with toothpaste instead of oil. Don't you realize that had the alternative happened, you'd have run the risk of being fried to a crisp by an accidental go go gadget flamethrower? 

    Penny is how old and she's advising a man to venture into weather stripping? Sadly this little girl knows more about everything as a kid than I probably know of anything as an adult.

    For some reason I find myself so…

  • Lost in Translation

    Lost in Translation

    Privileged white assholes are sad about their privileged white lives. Japanese people are stupid because they don't speak English. I need attention waaaah 😢🍼

  • Framing Britney Spears

    Framing Britney Spears

    The biggest injustice is that her 2001 self titled album Britney isn't recognized as one of the best works of her entire career. Near perfect pop album featuring three of her best songs; "Overprotected" being her finest song ever.