• Twilight

    Twilight

    ★★

    Edward: Do you enjoy the rain?

    Bella: *misc teenage girl noises*

    Me in my best ‘Bella’ voice: Yeah I enjoy being wet

    Rhi: I did not like that at all

  • Paranormal Activity 4
  • Malignant

    Malignant

    ★★★★

    Subtlety is for losers.

    If the landscape of modern cinema has yielded one good thing, it’s that weirdos like Wan that have virtuosic talent when it comes to filmmaking can make boring, overlong bullshit like Aquaman so they can go on to make whacky high concept Frank Henenlotter shit with a polished, glossy sheen and more technical acumen than B movies have ever been afforded in the past. I want eighty more movies like this, and I look forward to logging this at least fourteen more times before 2021 is over.

  • Paranormal Activity 3

    Paranormal Activity 3

    ★★½

    The first one of these to truly feel it’s relatively skeletal budget and production in a way that doesn’t enhance the experience. The new ‘gimmicks’ are just that, and the characters are mostly just thinner versions of the ones from 2. Aside from a truly wild final third, this one didn’t really grab me in even the mild way the first two did.

  • Paranormal Activity 2

    Paranormal Activity 2

    ★★★

    Don’t repress your past in horror movies! That shit will fucking kill you!

  • Paranormal Activity

    Paranormal Activity

    ★★★

    Much like the original ‘Blair Witch Project’- this is a movie I respect somewhat more than I ‘like’ it, even if I do surprisingly like it. It’s more of a really cool experiment, but I gotta applaud the technical innovation and commitment to the lo-fi aesthetic. What works the most is how obviously performative the acting is at first, since the characters are naturally aware they’re on camera. So when shit hits the fan, the 0 to 80 whiplash is…

  • Malignant

    Malignant

    ★★★★

    Literally… where to even start?

    This is the kind of batshit, gonzo horror movie that can only be made with a distinct combination of talent, passion, and a shitload of money from directing a billion-dollar-grossing superhero flick. It’s like Wan read my review for ‘The Conjuring’ (a movie I do like) and decided to capitalize on every bit of potential he has as a storyteller. Granted, this a has a ceiling. I cannot in any way guarantee that you, whoever is…

  • The Conjuring

    The Conjuring

    ★★★

    It’s incredible how a few minor directing improvements would bring this from a decent movie to a spectacular one. Wan, as great of a technical filmmaker as he clearly is, is way too scattershot when it comes to his scares and the tension that builds up to them. In theory, having a bunch of nonstarter moments in the first act where tension is built up (and NOT capped off by jumpscare, I do at least appreciate that) and then nothing…

  • Annette

    Annette

    ★★★

    Definitely the kind of movie that makes me have faith that cinema as a whole has a promising future considering shit this weird and idiosyncratic is getting made at all. Formally and technically impressive, the performers give it all they’ve got, the music is witty and often memorable… and it’s just way too busy for it’s own good. Totally possible that a dedicated rewatch might fully win me over, but its kinda laborious third act takes the wind out of…

  • Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

    Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

    ★★★½

    I am sexually attracted to women enacting excessive amounts of physical violence.

  • Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time

    Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time

    Save for about twenty minutes of the first act where the movie almost borders on being kind of interesting and something unique for this series, this movie proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the rebuild movies are perhaps the most astonishingly worthless artistic endeavor in recent memory. The positively agonizing second act, which consists mostly of poorly staged action scenes and useless expository babbling, is far from unbearable (the bar really is that low for me here), but…

  • Black Mirror: San Junipero

    Black Mirror: San Junipero

    ★★★★

    This hurt a lot more than I remember!