Back to the Future

Back to the Future ★★★½

One of the few "classics" I never bothered to watch. Seemed a bit kitsch for my taste. I don't even know what "kitsch" means, but I'm an asshole who likes the word "kitsch".

Before becoming everyone's favorite paraplegic midget, Michael J. Fox was a goddamn movie star, and it's easy to see why. He had charisma. A pity what happened to him. Imagine waking up every day and having to go "At least I'm not Christopher Reeve."

Doc Brown is just a sober Rick Sanchez. I didn't much care for him. But the MILF in this movie. Hot diggity! Talk about 50s male power fantasy. Feminism all but assured this decidedly not bossy, sweet and savory good girl would never be seen in the corporate woke era. Now every female protagonist has to be a Boss Bitch Dyke with a bullwhip and a Hercules clit. Boo!! Show us BOOBS!

No other movie pushes the "If she was my mom" scenario this hard. Which, unfortunately, might be the part of the movie that's aged the best. The special effects, used sparingly, have held up as well. That's the key. Before special-effects diarrhea like the Assvengers, we had brilliant technicians working in Hollywood, spending real money to pull a real stunt. And it was a THOUSAND times more convincing than digital, every time.

The film has been scrutinized to death over its themes. It's a unique story that should not be remade under any circumstance, but probably will. This time with a PC cast of androids.

I'm not gonna suck this film's dick too much, as it does have its slow spots. And the "trying to get my parents to fuck" plot does wear thin. But I guess that's what Reagan's conservative America was into at the time. Incest aside, Back to the Future does what few films even attempt. To build a universe that feels tangible, with just a few characters. That is not easy. I'm gonna go watch the sequels now, where Marty's mom gets run by a train. Or so I've heard. There's a train in the sequel, right? I'll probably be disappointed.