Those Who Wish Me Dead ★½

“Assume catastrophe, and act accordingly.”

Tyler Perry’s one scene is the only good thing in this movie. Also, that line sums up how you should approach this film. 

Underwhelming af. A quarter baked at best. This is just plain not good. The first 20 minutes are almost unwatchable due to nuclear grade cringe levels. Taylor needed to take another pass or 12 at this script cause man, there just isn’t anything worth watching this for. 

It’s not thematically interesting or emotionally resonant. The characters aren’t likable. The action is sparse and not especially compelling. And what the hell is with the dogshit 5.1? HBO Max has been crushing it with their Atmos tracks lately and this weak-sauce, paltry Dolby Surround mix is all they can muster for a film about a massive forest fire? The fuck?

For the record, Jolie is a fine actress. The irony here is her getting plastic surgery in a misguided bid to stay employable, which ultimately distractingly prohibits her from being authentic in this role she actually did land. She looks like a pre-montecore mauling Roy Horn. She looks like handsome Squidward. She looks like Robert Z’Dar’s little sister. She looks like she never took off the Maleficent: Mistress of Evil prosthetics. I could do this for a couple more paragraphs at least. If she had just allowed herself to age naturally, she’d not only be more beautiful, she’d be believable as this character. As is, she looks like her Mo-Cap avatar from Beowulf wearing a Carhart and a bad wig. 

SOME SPOILERY NITPICKS BELOW

If Jake “I should have become a movie star after Dawn of the Dead” Weber was just going to send his son to “the news” with a piece of paper, why didn’t they do that first together instead of waiting to send the child on his own through the woods while being chased by assassins after seeing his dad shot 75 times?

Were we supposed to care or be shocked that it turned out Berry was dead at the end? Cause....come on. 

Also, lamest final fight EVAR. If I wanted to watch a boy and girl chase each other around a SINGLE TREE, I’d just watch my kids play in the backyard. Sheesh. 

Fuck this movie. It’s weak sauce and wholly unnecessary. It’s easily the worst thing I’ve seen that the typically reliable Sheridan has written or directed. Don’t watch this. I wish I hadn’t.

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