• The Pentagon Wars

    The Pentagon Wars

    ★★★



    Bitches be shoppin'.

  • Smokin' Aces

    Smokin' Aces

    ★★

    Relentless, highly trained competitors from all demographics converge in search of glorious reward before a minimal audience. #Tokyo2020

    Superb camerawork & editing etc., but man Joe Carnahan's aesthetic & sense of humor are not simpatico with mines. I'm not inviting that dude to a party.

    Like everything in our world circa 2006, this coulda benefited from way more Alicia Keys, the cast's one beautiful rainbow of a person streaking above a smoggy lake that devolves into a trashy amusement park's wave-pool thanks…

  • Space Jam: A New Legacy
  • Fear Street: 1994

    Fear Street: 1994

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    These kids took the MLB strike a bit more harshly than I did in 1994. They must have all been Yankees fans and/or Expos fans.

    The whole "Sunnyvale" vs "Shadyside" dynamic is obviously, uh, obvious, but I like how such superficial, simplistic silliness makes it okay for a character named Sheriff Goode to be the recipient of the line "More like Sheriff Motherfucking Evil!" Probably my favorite dialogue moment of cinema 2021, which is impressive for a story from 27 years ago.

    Approximately equal number of needle drops as knifings. A good, appropriate ratio in my opinion.

    Pairs well with THE ABYSS (1989).

  • Jurassic Park

    Jurassic Park

    ★★★½

    What am I gonna do, sit here and post a review of the most revered director's 2nd best (but more rewatchable) 1993 film adaptation of an inferior novel as though I'm gonna change any minds? Either you love this or, like me, you love certain horror/sci-fi sequences and character beats while admiring the technical craft and wishing the little kids would go away and merely tolerating some of the hokiest aesthetic choices and plotholes, whatever.

    Jeff Goldblum's schtick became progressively…

  • Zack Snyder's Justice League

    Zack Snyder's Justice League

    So many things I would have done
    But clouds got in my way
    I've looked at clouds from both sides now
    From up and down

    -Joni Mitchell



    I'll make you happy, baby, just wait and see
    For every kiss you give me, I'll give you three
    Oh, since the day I saw you
    I have been waiting for you
    You know I will adore you 'til eternity

    -The Ronettes

  • Gigli

    Gigli

    18 years after release, it's kinda impossible for a too-online cinephile my age to circumnavigate the prism of GIGLI's legendary infamy as a dud/bomb/embarrassment when you press 'play,' although I've never heard anyone describe any of the plot or the weird supporting roles en route to their inevitable GIGLI punchline so this was a relatively tabula rasa viewing and I would have watched this many moons ago if I'd known there's a scene of Jennifer Lopez extolling her anatomy while…

  • Philly D.A.

    Philly D.A.

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The same day I finished watching this excellent documentary, I took a 'who should you vote for NYC mayor' issues quiz and got Maya Wiley as my top choice, which pleased me but also was a bummer because her polling #s are not strong, and then a couple days later her longshot campaign got some major endorsements from major name progressives and now I think maybe just maybe she could win and maybe the fascist police & prosecutors could be taken…

  • The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

    The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

    Great title; bad everything else.

    The best ever exorcism movie continues to be that sequence in THE TWO TOWERS (2002, Jackson) in which Gandalf The White clowns & expels Wormtongue (Brad Dourif).

  • Burn After Reading

    Burn After Reading

    Good movie! Defund the CIA!

    Been a minute since Coens' filmography "rankings" was in the discourse, so, at risk of reviving such an obnoxious, anti-quantifiable exercise, here is the quantifiably correct order:

    TRUE GRIT
    FARGO
    RAISING ARIZONA
    (BRIDGE OF SPIES)
    MILLER'S CROSSING
    INTOLERABLE CRUELTY
    HAIL, CAESAR
    THE BALLAD OF BUSTER SCRUGGS
    BARTON FINK
    BURN AFTER READING
    BLOOD SIMPLE
    THE HUDSUCKER PROXY
    O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU
    THE BIG LEBOWSKI
    THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE
    NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
    PARIS JE T'AIME
    INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS
    THE LADYKILLERS
    A SERIOUS MAN
    (SUBURBICON)
    (GARFIELD)

  • Bo Burnham: Inside

    Bo Burnham: Inside

    Wow, he's like a heroic amalgamation of Malcolm X and Weird Al.

    But seriously, Mr. Burnham again compels me to engage in an indescribable type of bankshot self-deprecation as I enjoy / cringe at his songs & monologues about everything and nothing. He's a good musician/editor and a reluctant social commentator committed to a certain recursive introspection that is simultaneously a trap and a liberation.

    Beck, another scraggly white guy overachiever with a colorful vocabulary accompanied by dubious dance moves and…

  • Smart House

    Smart House

    ★★★½

    Sort of a reverse-LUCY (2014, also directed by L. B.) with less punching.

    Many people contend that 1999 was the finest year for mainstream feature cinema of a generation, yet, curiously, they never include this delightful Disney oddity as a data point in their claims.