The Happening

The Happening ★★

Remember that time when nature decided it'd had enough of our shit so unleashed deadly suicide toxins into the air or some shit?
Starts with an incredibly awkward scene where everyone in Central Park just stops dead still then start murdering themselves. Then some builders jump off a building and it's supposed to be eerie and terrifying but it's not.
Anyway Marky Mark is teaching a class about bees of some bullshit. Everyone starts freaking out about THE EVENT THAT IS HAPPENING in Central Park. They all think it's a terrorist attack and not evil plants, the idiots. Zooey Deschanel is Dirk Diggler's wife or something and there's some meaningless boring trouble in their relationship which no one gives a fuck about. Everyone starts fleeing New York in an incredibly dull evacuation scene. Then the rest is about these idiots trying to survive while plants try to kill them.
It's got the weird M. Night visual flair where there are bizarre camera angles now and then. All the dialogue is weird and painfully awkward. Deschanel is extremely mopey and annoying and acts like a sad robot. Marky Mark is just bemused as fuck all the time. He's supposed to be the cool science teacher guy but it never feels right, everything just seems to confuse him. None of the suicide set pieces have any urgency at all, they're slowly paced and leave no impact.
There's that dumb bit where M. Night tries to ape the alien captured on home video scene from Signs. All these people are crowded around a phone watching a video of a zoo keeper let some lions tear him apart. So fucking goofy.
The weird thing is that it's not boring, just flat and strange. Some of it is fucking hilarious. I know M. Night was trying to make a sincere eco-horror but it doesn't help when some minor character goes off on a tangent about how great hot dogs are or when Marky Mark talks to a fucking fake plastic tree (TM Radiohead).
I kind of liked all the bits that took place on small rural roads, interesting to see shit going down in the countryside rather than in cities. All these normal people just confused and panicking. Still, these scenes were ultra flat and lacked any atmosphere which is ironic given that the whole movie is about shitlord plants spurting some nasty shit into the atmosphere.
It's not the worst movie ever made by far, probably isn't even the worst Shyamalan movie but it's a mess. Might be the least menacing, most laid back horror movie ever though. There is a bit where a kid gets shot gunned in the chest and a cranky old woman shows up in the third act for no fucking reason so it's not all bad. Plus there are a bunch of nice shots of plants and rustic old houses so that was cool.

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