The Astrologer

The Astrologer ★★★★★

"This is really going well."

Local crazy man Craig Denney chronicles himself in a self-styled semi-autobiographical Charles Foster Kane fable of his rags-to-riches rise to stardom. To best illustrate his colossal ego, revel in the knowledge that Craig Denney directs a movie titled The Astrologer within The Astrologer which achieves universal acclaim, leaving him rich and famous. What sets this apart from other no-budget nonsense, ranging from your Sam Mraovich's and Vitaliy Versace's to the higher echelon of Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau, was the budget Denney was some how able to raise to bolster this vanity project, which when adjusted for inflation likely exceeded the millions Wiseau spent making The Room. Filmed on location in Kenya, Tahiti, France, and California, The Astrologer burns through enough plot to constitute three separate films within a runtime that barely qualifies as feature length. Scenes without talking are dubbed over to fill in missing vital plot details and moments with actual dialogue will be played completely silent (if anyone can lip read that dinner scene, please let me know what they said!) Had Ed Wood the cash Denney inexplicably had, this is the type of movie he'd have made, except with a pink angora sweater and unrelated footage of Bela Legosi.

Though it was rescued by the AGFA after being found among over a thousand 35mm reels of donated porn, the unlicensed use of music by The Moody Blues and others will likely keep this from ever seeing any sort of release outside theater screenings. Should you ever have the chance to see this, don't under any circumstances wait or it might be too late. The Astrologer needs to be seen to be believed.

You know that technique where a still-frame of a character will briefly appear on the screen when they're mentioned so you'll remember who they are? Craig Denney does that when the character they flashback to is the one he's currently speaking with. That's the kind of the malarkey one can expect when watching The Astrologer.

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