Favorite films

  • A Clockwork Orange
  • This Is Spinal Tap
  • RoboCop
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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  • Sinister

    ★★★½

  • The Thing

    ★★

  • The Expendables 2

    ★★★★

  • Ted

    ★★★★½

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  • The Thing

    The Thing

    Had the potential to be pretty cool, but foggy brown fart clouds hang over the film and spoil it entirely. Good cinematography, a solid cast, a not-too-bad script and a really good last 20 minutes; this should be a positive review. Ropey CG effects really drag the film down, though. The biggest problem by a mile is the score, which is VERY LOUD AND EXCITED, basically shouting all of the tension off the screen. They sneak a bit of the Carpenter score for the film this one leads into, which only serves to highlight how wrong they got theirs.
    Boo!

  • The Expendables 2

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  • Kickboxer

    Kickboxer

    I once met a guy who told me he didn't like Kickboxer. I wasn't sure whether to roundhouse kick him in the face or tell him that his tampon string was showing. I settled for kneeing him repeatedly in the ribs while shrieking incomprehensibly into his face.
    Kickboxer tells the story of a US kickboxing champion who decides to compete in Thailand. He refuses to read the rules to Thai kickboxing, citing awesomeness as his reason, and is paralysed in his first Muay Thai bout by maniac and spine-elbower Tong Po. Then Jean Claude Van Damme kicks everyone in the face for 80 minutes.

  • Enter the Dragon

    Enter the Dragon

    Look, it’s important that I make this clear - at no point in this film does anyone ‘enter’ a dragon. In fact, there aren’t even any dragons in it, and certainly none getting sexed up by a shirtless John Saxon. While I’m not slating the film, if, like me, you picked this one up hoping to see some man on dragon loving, you’re going to be left disappointed by Enter the Dragon.

    Still, what Enter the Dragon lacks in beast-humping…