• The Devil Below

    The Devil Below

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    👨‍🌾 Vague villagers at the gas station / convenience store / butcher shop who quickly get quiet and surly when asked by potential customers for directions to the plot of the movie

    😐 Sensitive, racialized and/or feminized, "different" / disabled character who knows from moment one that something isn't right and knows the plot better than the rest of the group.
    🎮 A gaming console gets brought up in a reply that felt more awkward and unnecessary than the one…

  • Shut In

    Shut In

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Hush little baby don't say a word
    Mama's gonna sign-off on this massive turd
    And if that massive turd is cursed
    Hope and pray Room comes out first

    🛌🏼Charlie Heaton aka Yung Edward Furlough was actually, factually unwatchable.

    👻🚫This maybe could have worked had it not taken itself so completely seriously as a...paranormal (nope, psyche!) slasher-thriller thing?

    🐔🥚What came first: this turkey or The Boy? 🤔

    🐝I thought of 2009's Case 37 at least a few times and that's no good.

  • A Kind of Murder

    A Kind of Murder

    This looked great.
    It was in fact, beautiful to look at. All the people, places, and things were gorgeous.
    Unfortunately for it and us, the rest of it was less than stellar. It had "take your time / hurry up", pieced together pacing, reminiscent of The Snowman where the jumbled, sloppily stitched together story slowly dragged in a rush toward an "Wait, oh, it ended...?" ending.

    Its source novel The Blunderer hopefully reads smoother and has fleshier characters.

    Aside :…

  • My Bloody Valentine

    My Bloody Valentine

    ★★★

    That I saw this theatrically on opening night in 3D (and stoned) definitely played a huge part in the delight I took in watching it at home this evening*.

    (*aforementioned formula does not work with The Final Destination 🚫👎)

    It's been awhile, maybe 8 years since I last watched this utter carnival ride. It's a lot more fun when paired with the chintzy MBV branded blue/red 3D glasses that came with it but sadly, they've long since been trashed.

    👍The…

  • Mortal Passions

    Mortal Passions

    ★★½

    I read the synopsis of Mortal Passions on a blocked pay-per-view channel some 25 years ago.
    I used to scan through the softcore / hardcore porn PPV channels and read the synopsis of movies playing from 6am to 5:59am the next day, one by one, line by line.

    At the time and from my vantage point as a young teen, it was a rare treat along these perversion excursions to find a recognizable and likeable name and face from "mainstream"…

  • The Girl on the Train

    The Girl on the Train

    ★★½

    A train station novel* is henceforth a novel (+ its subsequent film adaptation) that is beneath the station** of an airport novel***.

    * The Woman in the Window, Before I Go To Sleep

    **pun intended

    *** Gone Girl, Big Little Lies, Sharp Objects, A Simple Favor, Shutter Island(??)

  • A Good Marriage

    A Good Marriage

    I have not read King's short story that this movie is based on but I have just read the plot synopsis and it sure does read a lot better than this looks.

    This looks, sounds, and transitions like an upper tier Lifetime movie.

    Joan Allen, Anthony LaPaglia, and Stephen Lang are not the problem. Nobody else is notable. Decisions were made.

    Under different circumstances and with better talent behind the camera, A Good Marriage could have worked.

    Asides:

    Why do…

  • Night Hunter

    Night Hunter

    I still cannot believe that this film was released in the year 2018. 🤧🤯

    The only thing that occasionally kept me anchored to this reality while watching it was the inclusion of Henry Cavill (but even then, I'd see him back on screen and think,"Oh yeahhhhh, isn't this snoozer from 2015? ... ⌨️ ... 2018??!?")

    Did Night Hunter sit on the shelves for 15 - 20 years?
    ...

    🥇*Male Officer after saving Female detective from being murdered during an interrogation*…

  • A Kiss Before Dying

    A Kiss Before Dying

    ★★

    Aka The House of Cards That Jon Built 🔪

    I was only dozens of minutes into the movie before I was completely convinced that Sean Young had to have at least been nominated for a Razzie award for her roles in this film. The writing is bad, the pacing is sloggy, truly, but her performance .... really, it is something else entirely. Monotoned and zoned. Totally peculiar.

    I let out a short snort-cackle upon seeing that she "won" 2 Razzies…

  • Frozen

    Frozen

    ★★★½

    Good grief. This was bleak, grotesquely bone-chilling, and genuinely terrifying.

    Aside:

    I was consistently heated by the loosey goosey way that they were wearing their winter outerwear, however.

    Pro-Tip: If you lose a glove in sub freezing temperatures, feel free to put that hand inside of your pocket or the entire arm inside of your parka
    Speaking of parkas...the main zipper on those babies go alllllll the way up over the neck, chin, and nose. They also have buttons, fasteners,…

  • I.T.

    I.T.

    If I ever steam this again it will be to watch / rip the scene where Dark Zuckerberg is driving in his green machine muscle car while pouty-singing along to Words by Missing Persons. 😍🤭

    🔞Why did we need multiple viewings of an underage girl character in the shower? fiddling with herself?? And what even is that band? The Theftones? 🥁🔇

    This movie was going for slick but got grimy; a ton of bad dialogue through gritted teeth and unnecessary exploitation but at least it escalated quickly and had some decent unintentional laughs.

  • In the Tall Grass

    In the Tall Grass

    ★★

    "No. Don't worry, son. It's just flesh. And all flesh is grass."

    "My Daddy's right. We are grass. We keep dying and coming back."

    🌱👍🏿