• Awakenings

    Awakenings

    ★★★★½

    the children who woke up

  • Last Man Standing

    Last Man Standing

    ★½

    Bruce Willis is fucking a girl and suddenly men jump into the room shooting, Willis somehow summons dual wield pistols despite being completely naked, kills them, then smashes the woman’s head (the woman he was just fucking) into a door

  • Hellboy

    Hellboy

    ★★½

    nerd hell. as much as people talk about the crimes of joss whedon-isms on cinema (in uber words, his overly quippy, charmless action blockbuster shtick), i think he’s just the poster boy. nerd culture is lame, only the ultra sincere (scott pilgrim lovingly commits to the aesthetic, attention to detail and video game logic, matrix, ready player one, and so on) really make it. this bastardised hot topic stuff is painful, they will turn tokusatsu into ultra goreman, they turn…

  • Hud

    Hud

    ★★★½

    “No one gets out of life alive”

    my grandad said “you don’t say”

  • The Tender Bar

    The Tender Bar

    ★★★½

    barfly optimism. as a firm supporter of “good is good enough”, i don’t need clooney to be out of this world behind the camera. i know we all expect someone with all the legos to make something unbelievable, but clooney settles to make a little house instead of the death star. perhaps there’s a small way we expect known names to be especially good, when they are consistently disappointing i think they might attract more criticism than the average anonymous…

  • Drive

    Drive

    ★★★★★

    all men know how to do is wear driver jacket, listen to kavinsky, kill people, eat hot chip and drive

  • The Greatest Showman

    The Greatest Showman

    ★★★★

    love this shit

  • Planet of the Apes

    Planet of the Apes

    ★★½

    autopilot filmmaking

  • The Thing From Another World

    The Thing From Another World

    ★½

    come on now let’s not be silly this movie is supremely boring. don’t let the awesome presence of the titular monster and great stunt work fool you

  • Psycho

    Psycho

    ★★★½

    i tried to tell my grandma that perhaps what the most controversial aspect to Psycho was not it’s violence or “sexual deviancy” but the brilliant deception of killing the “main character” half way through the movie, but my grandma was too busy talking about how when she saw this in cinemas she wasn’t paying attention because she was too busy making out. also, it’s abundantly clear she doesn’t remember how the iconic screech sound goes, as she gestured a knife motion whilst making an ambulance sound. please ... stay alive forever ma

  • It's a Summer Film!

    It's a Summer Film!

    ★★★½

    you know i’ve been wondering when a meta samurai sci fi romcom time travel coming of age movie would be made...

  • Howl's Moving Castle

    Howl's Moving Castle

    ★★★★½

    it’s pretty great how they made Howl such a little queen about his good looks, he’s literally a wizard / mythical bird creature who fights entire war ships by himself, and he throws a massive wobbler cos he goes ginger. the first time i ever found out bout this movie it was from a AMV for Mika’s “My Interpretation” from life in cartoon motion.