Gemini Man

Gemini Man


Excited about the innovative potential for his groundbreaking new technology, Ang Lee announced Friday that his upcoming sequel to 2012’s Life of Pi is to be shot at 20,000 frames per second.

“So 120 FPS was too much for you half-wits to handle? Just wait ’til you get a load of this shit!” Lee exclaimed exuberantly in an interview. “I’ll be projecting so many goddamn frames per second, your eyes’ll fall out of their fucking sockets!” he added.

Lee also expressed interest in a follow-up to 2005’s Brokeback Mountain, a film which, like Life of Pi, garnered massive critical acclaim and awards consideration. “Yeah, the intimate drama stuff was cool and all, but just think of how much better it’d be if we crammed an extra 19,976 frames into every fucking second?” Then, with a sly smirk, he added, “I can’t wait to make a 35 mm print of it, and then watch the poor son of a bitch who has to project that thing on film. He’d probably burn the whole goddamn theater down!” Lee laughed.

Although Lee’s recent Gemini Man was panned by critics, with many complaining about its high frame rate, Lee had this to say to his dissenters: “Go fuck yourself. 120 FPS is nothing, virgins. We’re only scratching the surface. What, you too chickenshit to watch a frame rate 5 times faster than usual? How ‘bout if we made it literally 833 times faster! That’ll show you fuckers! Your brains won’t even be able to process just how many images we’re able to squeeze into every single second of runtime! You could literally slow it down to 1/800 speed, and the fucking picture still wouldn’t be choppy! You gonna sack up and watch it, or are you too much of a pussy?” Afterwards, Lee began doing a chicken impersonation, presumably mocking his dissenters.

“I dare you guys to make one more stupid fucking complaint, like that it looks like a ‘hellish cross between a video game and a telenovela.’ Fuck off, Odie Henderson. It’ll look like whatever I goddamn want it to look like. I eagerly await the day when you’re forced to sit down and watch two cowboys going at it with motion so smooth that the human mind literally can’t even comprehend it. Then you assholes’ll know who’s boss!”

At press time, Lee also announced he was planning a follow-up to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon at an experimental 100,000 FPS. “Just go ahead and try to stop me, fuckers!” Lee shouted to reporters. “If Life of Pi didn’t make you believe in God, then this sure as hell will!”