The Borrowed Christmas

The Borrowed Christmas ★★★★½

Probably the craziest movie I’ve ever seen. Definitely the worst. Nightmare fuel.

Man walks into a mom-n-pop Rent-A-Center and asks the owner lady to stage a Christmas for his pathetic ass. He wants carolers and a big tree and lots of gifts and oh, throw in three young kids (two girls; one boy) and two older kids (one girl; one boy), and fuck it, gimme a hot wife too. Dress ‘em all up like it’s 1920 for some reason.

Owner lady likes a challenge so she takes his check ($1,000 or $10,000 I think) and gets to work. The work is tedious and we sit through all of it.

The hired actors from the Actors Guild have to cancel due to having measles. No big deal; we’ll use orphans instead. Owner lady steps up to play the hot wife. They do some light rehearsal which is also tedious.

Man arrives home from work to five “hi daddy”s and one “hi husband, *kiss* here’s the oatmeal-raisin muffin your mole-women maids told me you liked and would you look at that, my apron is loose can you tie it for me and do it sexylike?” 

They role-play all night. No one breaks character. Pretty sure the fake husband and fake wife fuck.

The next morning (“Borrowed Christmas”) a bunch of inappropriate gifts are exchanged. Oldest son gives daddy a book called “Great Men” and says there should be a chapter about daddy and means it. Everyone is wearing pajamas. (Not sure if period-accurate.)

When the gig ends, the kids are sad and fake daddy is sad and fake mommy is kinda sad but also kinda like “can I go?” but the answer is no because you’re my real kids now and my real wife now and I finally succeeded in buying a family. Somethingsomething Jesus. The end.

Minus a half star for the blooper reel.

Jeff liked this review