• Total Recall

    Total Recall

    ★★★½

    Paul’s greatest trick was getting winking macho cornball Arnie to wear a dress and not make any jokes about it

  • Pumping Iron

    Pumping Iron

    ★★★★

    outside of the Arnold mythos this is still a compelling and extremely entertaining doc, but watching this with the context of the career that followed its wild how much Arnold is the clear villain here. would be like if Billy Mitchell went on to become the biggest star in the world after King of Kong

  • Commando

    Commando

    ★★★★

    I miss when movies were written and directed by cocaine

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

    ★★★★

    every time I revisit this I expect it to be finally be bad but nah this holds up, Jim Henson's best work paired with Golden Harvest stuntmen and Judith Hoag and Elias Koteas being as hot as possible, all shot really fuckin well and full of old NYC smoke and grime, taking itself seriously and providing real emotional threads and consequences for kids to latch onto without ever becoming overwrought and losing its core sense of fun. one of the best kids movies, and one of the best comic book movies.

  • The Expendables 3

    The Expendables 3

    ★½

    very funny that Sly killed his old bro comeback franchise by trying to appeal to a younger audience by going pg-13 and assembling a new crew of younger Expendables but the new crew were Ronda Rousey, Kellan Lutz, and 2 guys I've never seen before or since and cannot be bothered to look up. somewhat balances this out by getting a huge bump in charisma/acting chops via Snipes, Banderas, Gibson, and (bafflingly) Grammar and cutting down significantly on the insufferable…

  • The Expendables 2

    The Expendables 2

    ★★

    Schwarzenegger: I’m almost out. I’ll be back. 
    Willis: You’ve been back enough, I’ll be back.
    Schwarzenegger: Yippee ki-yay.
    Chuck Norris appears
    Schwarzenegger: Who’s next, Rambo?

    the entire fuckin 3rd act is like this

  • The Expendables

    The Expendables

    ★★½

    Dolph Lundgren goes psycho, sells out the crew to Eric Roberts, nearly kills Jet Li, is shot in the heart by Stallone and gets a dramatic death scene, and then at the end of the movie he's just hanging with the boys like it's chill

  • Wild Card

    Wild Card

    ★★★

    genuinely weird that there's a movie written by William Goldman with fight choreography by Corey Yuen, even weirder that ultrahack Simon West showed up to work for once in his life and made it work, atrocious color grade be damned. Statham is a tricky star to use correctly, he's got a truly likable quality that only works when the movie knows he's still a piece of shit, and while he's been in better movies I don't know if any movie…

  • The Quake

    The Quake

    ★★½

    imagine being the hero geologist who warned the town and saved your family in a disaster movie and still nobody listens to you in the sequel

  • 6 Underground

    6 Underground

    ★★★★

    an evil movie

  • Army of the Dead

    Army of the Dead

    ★★

    thank CHRIST we got the Snyder cut cause if this was his first movie in 5 years I would be even more disappointed

  • Apollo 11

    Apollo 11

    ★★★½

    sometimes it’s just chill to eat an edible and look at space shit for 90 minutes