• Disturbia

    Disturbia

    ★★★

    "Absolute banger of a movie. Watch out for where he does laundry and drinks red bulls"

    — Robbie,
    the one man to recognise Disturbia as the meme it always was:


    You think he sees us?
    No, he can't see us. But trust me, he can feel us watching.
    Pop? Oh, that's a big one, Pop. That's a big one here.
    Okay.
    He showed up.
    Ten-two. Come on, kid, you can do it.
    He's circling that little alcove right there.
    This…

  • Licorice Pizza

    Licorice Pizza

    ★★★★

    It's all just dicking about, isn't it? We're just blitzing through weird moments that barely make sense, waiting to figure out what life's meant to be, waiting for our person—romantic, platonic, whatever—to show up. Even if we knew them already... Waiting for PTA to figure out the narrative...

    We only get the significance and feel a little less lost once we're at the end and can look back; but the end is just more beginning. I have my reservations, for…

  • Hotel Transylvania: Transformania

    Hotel Transylvania: Transformania

    ★★★

    I watched The Fly in preparation for this.

  • The Fly

    The Fly

    ★★★★★

    Sure, it ends with one of Cronenberg's best grotesqueries, but what about his confident opening tilt here? Deceptively breakneck in how it deeply entrenches the two leads, who had barely met before they appear on screen, into their own downfall. Of morbid curiosity and a buzzing, restless mind. He's the king of body horror. But he doesn't get enough credit as a great narrative technician.

    Stray Notes
    Not enough is made of early Brundlefly's tendency for late night gymnastics and kissing with his eyes wide open.

    'Secondary element is not-Brundle.'

    'I'm sure Typhoid Mary was a good person when you saw her socially.'

  • Life

    Life

    ★★★

    Life is as if Espinosa, and the writing duo Reese and Wernick, were mad with jealousy that they hadn't made Alien (and Gravity (and parts of Sunshine)), only to realise they had the resources to rewrite history and make them all again, as one. It's nowhere near those references in terms of quality, but it's not bad.

    I wonder if a few years would have done it good. Same for Ad Astra. It's contributed to the recent glut of contemplative…

  • Closet Monster

    Closet Monster

    ★★★

    A Xavier Dolan style coming of age drama infused with gory Cronenbergian body horror. The real hero is a hamster played by Isabella Rossellini; the real villain is a deeply uncomfortable subversion of the dad from Inside Out.

    Yet somehow, a good stretch of it is boring. It doesn't have the confidence to lean into all those incredible eccentricities it creates for itself anywhere near enough. The emotional payoff is worth a lot of the slog though. And, Isabella Rossellini literally plays a hamster.

  • The Sound of Music

    The Sound of Music

    ★★★★★

    Maria... You go, bruh.

  • Wild Child

    Wild Child

    ★★

    'What is this place, Hogwarts?'

    Smash cut to Shirley "Moaning Myrtle" Henderson.

    So, that's two times Emma Roberts has been confused as being in Harry Potter. Which isn't much, but it shouldn't happen twice.

    An admission
    This film honestly broke me. My nephews made me watch it during a 48 hour stay with me. It took me 4 days to bring up the energy to log it. I want to blame Roberts ("she's such a good actress!" —my nephews), because she's my devil. But she was only a teen. So I'll blame writing like:

    'That's PDF! Pretty Damn Straightforward.'

    So fucking close yet nowhere near.

  • Spider-Man: Far From Home

    Spider-Man: Far From Home

    ★★

    "Can we please stop referring to Marissa Tomei as a GILF?"

    This was said to me mere minutes into 2022 and it really has set the tone for the year.

    Also, Gyllenhaal did nothing wrong until he started wearing glasses/trying to kill people. (Join your union).

    Treating an organised criminal and murderer better in Homecoming than they did disgruntled employees for a tech company run by a creepy maverick with a god complex in Far From Home? That's an agenda right there.

  • Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard

    Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard

    ★★

    Pretty sure that Salma Hayek and Ryan Reynolds both say 'motherfucker' more than Samuel L. Jackson here. Is this subversion? Is it a mistake? (Like watching this film?)

    Stray Notes
    Hayek has been the best thing about every terrible film she's been in for the past few years.

    Reynolds isn't the worst actor to trade off playing a version of themself every movie, but boy has he hit the cliff this year. When being affable becomes annoying.

  • Never Rarely Sometimes Always

    Never Rarely Sometimes Always

    ★★★★★

    In the titular scene, when young Autumn is sensitively asked questions on her sexual history and reasons for seeking an abortion, the answers default into being almost dull, procedural. No. Never. Sometimes. There's no dramatic answer or revelation. She's just a teenager, being honest about her experiences. And that's what Hittman as a director can do: natural, painful, beautiful honesty.

    That scene alone is spectacular—a delicate one-take, close up on Autumn's face; Sidney Flanigan's performance carrying us. When the topic…

  • Jane Eyre

    Jane Eyre

    ★★★

    I have now underestimated all of the Brontë sisters. Had my expectations for this, and then bam: deranged arsonist bribe hiding in the attic. Fukunaga nails the moodiness, but God... I wish this was adapted by someone with maybe a tad more flare. Who could be a little more indulgent in the gothic, ghostly, fainting-couch dramatics of Brontë's yarn.