Avengers: Endgame

Avengers: Endgame ★★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Well I didn't plan on seeing it, but I saw it anyway, fucking hell. Did I think it'd be bad, not really, was I doubtful of all the glowing 5 star reviews? Yep. Was I annoyed by the insane levels of anger in any comments section of any review that was even remotely critical of this capeshit, absofuckinloutely. Besides I was perfectly content to wait on my lord and savior Detective Pikachu to arrive.

So what happened? Well the air conditioning went out at the house, that's what. I was going to play some more of Kingdom Hearts 3's hard ass critical mode, we live in the south where it's hot as fuck. And so rather than bake in the heat at home me and my mom decided to go out to the movies. We've still a few days from our lord and savior's arrival, leaving this as the only thing playing I had any interest in. so fuck it.

I made a big mistake going into this movie. Every time I get a drink or icee I inevitably have to be by the end of the movie, which will usually be about two hours. This is a three hour motion picture, as such I knew I should not have gotten anything, but instead I got my usual blue raspberry Icee like a moron, sure enough immediately as the third act started I felt my bladder signal it was time to go. I'm the kind of person who never gets up during a movie though, it always happens around the end and this was pretty much the point where the big battle started, so I held it for what felt like an eternity of MCU fanservice, every added prologue feeling like an insult to draw out my suffering. Finally it ended and I have never been happier to see the words "DIRECTED BY ANTHONY AND JOE RUSSO" in my life as I charged, full Sanic mode, towards the bathroom.

Shit I haven't even talked about the movie yet have I. I don't even know if I'm going to spoil this but I'm marking it just in case because everything for around this seems to be a spoiler and I don't know if people are still freaking out about it or not. I think almost everyone who cares about spoilers has already seen it and those who haven't probably aren't checking out reviews for it, especially ones marked spoiler, so you've been warned, don't go screeching in the comments like I gave it a half star rating.

Actually there's not even much point in me reviewing this is there. I am neither a full on half star angerey boi nor a five star OHMYGAWDBEST MOVIE EVAR Marvel fanboy. I really like Ragnarok and Guardians of the Galaxy, I see the rest because, obligation I guess, you know. I want to see what all the talk is about, I want to get my spicy hot take in there. I won't lie I got a little excited when I heard Valkyrie was in this, I also like that this is the climactic one to send off most of the characters I actually give a shit about, so I am no longer obligated to see these unless I actually give a shit about who's in it. You hear that Spider-Man homecoming 2! I don't have to hear one more hot Aunt May joke ever again, I don't have to set my eyes on any live action Spider-Man that ain't Tobey Fuckin McGuire. FUCK YOU HOMECOMING, shove it up your ass like Ant-Man up Thanos' anus.

That doesn't actually happen in the movie sadly. How can this be a five star if Ant-Man doesn't go up Thanos' butt, smh Russos.

Shit I still haven't talked about the movie have I, I've literally only talked about my interaction with seeing the movie. Could it be because this is more interesting as a symbol of Disney's domination of the film industry than as a film on its own merits, with storytelling that wraps up the loose ends of twenty something films of build up.

Yep, that's exactly it, but I'll talk about the movie anyway so I can justify that spoiler tag to myself.

So the movie is three fucking hours long, it feels three hours long, my bladder may have suffered irreparable damage, but hell that's beside the point. I've seen people say this is the Return of the King of superhero movies, and they are right because this is three overlong hours of fanwank that makes my bladder hurt. I've actually seen people say the theatrical cut of Return of the King isn't long enough, those people are insane, sorry, not sorry. I will say that even if I do think this motion picture was too long (CAN YOU FEEL IT, I certainly did) it did have some pretty entertaining moments, and also some that were kinda shit or made me tilt my head. But I'll get to that I guess.

Anyway conveniently every hour correlates to an act of this thing, so I'll talk about each act in turn. Act I is the everyone is sad arc of Endgame. Half the people got snapped by Thanos from Fortnite, the man with a passion for population control. Do you think he did the default dance on his farm right after? Anyway everyone is sad as you'd expect. But then Captain Marvel from the controversial 2019 film Captain Marvel shows up. Can I just say that I genuinely have no clue how anyone can feel rage or any emotion from this character, she's such a non-entity, I've watched both her appearances and I can still tell you nothing about this character. It is honestly baffling, there's just nothing there. She's barely in the movie by the way, so like, I don't understand why she was hyped up so much in the post-credits of IW.

Anyway they go and kill Thanos from Fortnite but they're all still sad. Then Ant-Man shows up and because he's been trapped in the quantum realm he decides they should all time travel back. So they assemble all the sad Avengers, including Cringy dabbing Hulk (it's like this exists only to piss me off), Dark Edgeboy Hawkeye, who I actually didn't even notice was missing in IW, and the now semiinfamous fat Thor, an epic gamer playing (*bass boosted Will Smith voice*) F O R T N I T E with Korg (what did Taika do to piss off the Russos so much). It is worth noting that while most will come away thinking Thanos is the true villain of the film, he is not, that title actually goes to NoobMaster69, the true puppeteer behind everything bad that has happened in the MCU. The film actually ends right at the point where Thor tells NoobMaster69 to fuck off and makes him cry, the rest of the film is just filler epilogue.

So yeah they all go back in time, god help us all they've introduced time travel into these fucking things. In act II, the uh time travel arc. The film makes sure to specify that when they go back in time it only affects an alternate universe, no doubt so that the previous 20 films don't feel redundant and pointless after having been erased from the timeline, well okay so SOME of them won't feel redundant and pointless. Apparently it's okay to fuck up someone else's timeline if it means saving your own. Like I know they bring all the stones back but even without I think some of these timelines were kinda fucked over. Like that one where Loki escapes at the end of Avengers 1. Who knows what could have happened in that timeline, maybe everyone died over there, but it's okay because this timeline is good I guess. Maybe this means that in a later film we'll get alternate timeline Loki invading the MCU. I just love Loki okay, if you're going to win me back do it with that.

But yeah they go back to scenes in previous MCU movies to get the stones and cram in as MANY references as possible, just to show HEY it was all connected all along. Honestly, a lot of it felt fairly redundant and repetitive, there were a couple decent scenes, like Thor talking to his mother, but Black Widow's death was honestly kind of a let down, like this character was sent off with a rehash of a scene from the last movie.

Oh and that's not ALL, because Thanos in the past finds out that all this is happening because Nebula's cybernetics start fucking up her past counterpart. It wouldn't be Marvel movie without a third act brawl after all. So past Nebula swaps places with future Nebula when they all go back to the future (fuck you for referencing that movie). Which of course brings us to Act III, the big fanservice brawl arc. Which is somehow even more fanservicy than the last hour and MUCH less interesting. Maybe that's my angry bladder talking but the final battle was just so uninteresting, the Russos' action scenes are actually a step down from Infinity War, the end battle is just a mismash of characters showing up and characters fighting without much in terms of geography. It's CG vomit. Worst of all my girl Proxima Midnight got done dirty again, even more dirty this time because she doesn't even get dialogue or a clear shot. Why you always gotta do my favorites dirty Marvel. Also I'm going to be honest the more time passes the less I like Tom Holland's Spider-Man. As soon as he comes back he starts going on this cringe ass spiel and all I could think was that I liked him more when he was dust.

Anyway SPOILER The Avengers win in the end, surprise surprise, Everyone who was dead is back, except the people who died before the snap, or after. Tony Stark dies as I knew he would as soon as the Infinity War trailer was released. It was moving I won't lie. And then there's a bunch of epilogues sending the old guys off, just like Return of the King, apparently,Captain America was actually just living his life the whole time and nobody knew it, including himself before going back in time. There's probably like a million paradoxes caused by this but I didn't think about any of that because I was off to the bathroom the second the credits started.

This overly padded review (it's sYmBoLiC of the movie!) probably sounds super negative but I actually did mostly enjoy this motion picture, even with its flaws. I think I liked it a bit more than Infinity War and I might watch it again, with bathroom breaks. But more than anything I feel good that I can now relax knowing that my obligation to watch every single one of these has passed like my Blue Rasberry Icee down the toilet. It's nice that it could all come together in a metaphor.

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