I love talkies!!!!
Come for the lovingly crafted genre pastiche, leave because of that thing where two characters shoot different colored lasers, and then the lasers hit each other and then stop in the middle, and it's kind of like arm wrestling, but with a big glowing meter bar going back and forth between two people wincing really hard.
This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
Any movie that is less than *sublime* should be held against House.
First act not really making your main character likable enough? Why not shoot it like a shampoo commercial?
Second act lacking tension? Have a piano eat a kid.
Third act unsatisfactory? Name one of your characters "Kung Fu" and give her the ability to kick ghosts in the face.
Sound crazy? Tough shit, because House did all of it, and it rules, so now you have no excuse. God DAMMIT I am mad I did not see this when I was 12 years old, I would have grown up so much cooler.