Jurassic Park III

Jurassic Park III ★★½

Ok, lets get the good out of the way first. The dino action is pretty cool - the pterydactyl's are nicely nasty, the spinosaur gets quite a lot to do and the raptors feel pleasantly different (and not likely to get their asses kicked by a spinning schoolgirl) this time around.

And its only 90 mins.

Soooooooooooooo, the bad........look, its not terrible, I admit. But it feels so fucking inconsequential after the first two and its down to it's two real mistakes:

a) Not building on the end of The Lost World - after that, the whole wide world now knows that dino's exist. You could literally do anything......and yet its a few people back on a deserted island being chased by a handful of dino's. It couldn't be any more fucking uninspired if it tried; and

b) Its entire plot is utterly ridiculous. I'm getting well nerdy now so bare with me, but I have to vent..........so, its a world famous island full of dinosaurs that has no protection whatsoever? Any old small boat can rock on up and prat about practically on its beaches? Really? And that excursion - it trails a parachute around the sea and up a river, where the only things you can see is dense forest.....who the fuck would pay and take the risk for that???? Bringing back Ellie and Alan is cool, but spending time with them and not explaining the only question I want to know (why is Ellie not in the dino business any more? I can guess but at least address it!) is like a slap in the face. And finally......sigh.......The Kirby's. In the first film, our antagonist was a billionaire entrepreneur, the second one had big bad corporate man and a private army. This one has a paint and tile shop owner from Nowheresville USA. Just about sums up the lack of fucking ambition and scope of the film, don't you think?

In fact, I think that lack of ambition just about sums the whole thing up - after two films of full on dino action, this film opens with a dinosaur attack shrouded in mist so we see nothing. Really? That's the best you could come up with? The time for keeping those dino's hidden was about, ooooooo, I don't know, 1.5 films ago. Come on, give us something...........more than this. Its literally a Doug McClure film with better VFX.

Granted, I fucking LOVE Doug McClure films, but this franchise needs more.

So, it was ok, but ultimately disappointing in terms of scope and ambition. Even Tea Leoni didn't annoy as much as the sheer averageness of it all.

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

Although now I'm thinking of a big budget Spielberg remake of Warlords of Atlantis..........fuck yeah.

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