Jake Kurzmann

Jake Kurzmann

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I don't give a crap if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15-hooker gang bang

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  • Police Story

    Police Story

    ★★★★½

    Within the first 15 minutes of this movie Jackie is using an umbrella to hang onto the back of a bus, being dragged behind it like a literal T-1000. So, yep, it's a Jackie Chan movie alright.

  • Tenet

    Tenet

    ★★★

    I'mthebackwardsmanthebackwardsman, I'mthebackwardsmanthebackwardsman

    Icanwalkbackwardsfastasyoucan,
    Icanwalkbackwardsfastasyoucan...

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  • The Devil All the Time

    The Devil All the Time

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Spoiler: Spider-Man kills Batman

  • Hot Fuzz

    Hot Fuzz

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Now this is a story all about how
    My life got flipped, turned upside down
    And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there
    I'll tell you how I stopped an evil cult in the middle of nowhere

    In old foggy London town, born and raised
    On the police service is where I spent most of my days
    Chillin' out, cyclin', arrestin', all cool
    And all bustin' some crackheads outside of the school

    When a couple of cops…