• Black Widow

    Black Widow

    ★★½

    I don’t know. It was fine. I was kinda bored. Glad y’all all got paid.

  • Space Jam: A New Legacy

    Space Jam: A New Legacy

    Is the void I’m screaming into also IP?

  • Old

    Old

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Oh, so that’s how we got the vaccine

  • Coming 2 America

    Coming 2 America

    I think Coming to America is a perfect movie. I’ll be living the rest of my life pretending this part never happened.

  • Miami Vice

    Miami Vice

    ★★★★★

    You see, the thing that’s great about go fast boats is they’re boats but they also go fast

  • The Bonfire of the Vanities

    The Bonfire of the Vanities

    ★½

    Whatever you heard about it it's probably true. The movie pretty much just sucks. Hanks is god awful in it. Every line delivery he gives sounds like he's in a shitty sitcom. He and Griffith have no chemistry whatsoever and I honestly can't imagine those two people ever having sex. Griffith is pretty bad in her own right, stumbling over the terrible southern accent and not selling any of what she's given. I actually think Willis is kind of solid…

  • Disturbia

    Disturbia

    ★★★

    Lol, it’s kinda good. I was very young during that mid-00s period, so I have no nostalgia for this period of time but a time in American pop culture where they remake Rear Window as a movie to play Sunday afternoons on MTV starring Shia Labeouf and an up and coming model and there’s a memorable Rihanna song involved; all sounds kinda fun. Plus Carrie Anne Moss is on it, doing nothing but still getting paid. Viola Davis gets to…

  • Night Moves

    Night Moves

    ★★★★★

    More than any movie I’ve ever seen, Night Moves actually feels like one of those pulpy crime novels come to life. It looks like what I imagine walking around a John D McDonald story would be. It’s in rarefied air that way, up there with One False Move, Chinatown, or the Howard Hawks The Big Sleep. I’m not saying those are the best noirs or neonoirs (with the exception of Chinatown, they’re not in my highest tier. Some, like Altman’s…

  • The Tomorrow War

    The Tomorrow War

    ★★★

    Fun, dumb, weirdly well cast (even like the couple line day player performances are from solid people I’ve never seen before), less winking than you’d think, B- level Independence Day. Glad they tried it, gonna recommend it to people.

  • No Sudden Move

    No Sudden Move

    ★★★★½

    Crushes up the Criterion Channel Neo Noir collection and snorts it off of one of those circular lenses

  • F9

    F9

    ★★

    I used to be the biggest pawn for these movies. I think the last couple have kind of sucked, and this one feels like a little bit of breaking point for me. It bums me out.

    Pros:
    -- Magnets. I'm pretty sure the only thing Justin Lin is actually excited about here is magnets, and rightfully so. Magnets are cool. I like magnets. The magnets earned top billing. Big fan of the magnets.
    -- Han's back, and I'm glad that…

  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

    Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

    ★★★

    A grown man folding laundry, drinking a six pack on a Wednesday night and logging on to Letterboxd to be like “eh it’s fine” about a movie about these fucking magic children or whatever. We roll along.