Tenet

Tenet ½

Dear Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. Pictures,

I'd like to congratulate you on finally coming out of the closet and admitting that you failed one of your Semester 1 film school modules: sound recording and mixing.

The premise of the class is familiarising students with basic sound recording and mixing techniques i.e. holding the microphone within 4 km of the performer's mouth (preferably pointed in the direction of their mouth, or at a minimum: remembering to turn on the fucking microphone) and then ensuring that in the output of the final film you can UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCKING ACTOR IS SAYING!

Recording dialogue on set using a Nokia 3310, hiring JA RULE to do a sound mix of TENET via Zoom Uplink from the Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center and listening to cuts of the film with BEATS BY DRE headphones whist drinking Dilmah Tea laced with Laudanum, results in T E N E T ( 2 0 2 0 ) i.e. one of the worst films I've ever watched in my fucking life?!?!?!?

If you're going to "write" films that don't make a lick of fucking sense, at least have the decency to allow me to hear the nonsensical exposition clearly, before I end up in critical care because I caught COVID-19 after watching JASON ISAIAH DAVID WASHINGTON ALONZO HARRIS JR. KING beat box his way through 2 hours of Hoyte van Hoytema's Shallow Depth of Field jerk-off festival (complete with giant TARS sandstone statutes in a nondescript arid Eastern European landscape).

And if you're unwilling to do that, at the very least you should refund $40 to the Auburn resident who explained to me upon walking out of the same session that he "Saw the film twice and still didn't understand what the fuck was going on", so that he can use the money to buy a couple of MATE MA'A TONGA Singlets and Bucket Hats that we can both wear to the next Rugby League World Cup; an event that will provide a clearer story and set of character arcs than T E N E T ( 2 0 2 0 ) .

Kind Regards,
Dr Hugh Mann (Interstellar)