Branson has written 1,187 reviews for films with no rating.

  • Identity

    Identity

    Fun little movie about how exciting it is to be a guy who's dumb enough to scare himself. The guy in high school who told me this movie would scare me "to death" later fucked his hand up punching a concrete wall to get into character for a play (You Can't Take It With You.) I wish it had kept the constant spooky freeze frames going the whole time but I have no further feedback.

  • We Are What We Are

    We Are What We Are

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Not especially proud of this but I saw the kuru twist coming from a mile away. I know all the symptoms of kuru because my buddy was considering becoming a lawyer and got really interested in cases involving cannibalism and kudu. Did you know that there's really no legally sound way to eat somebody? Not even in self defense or if you really wanted to know what it would be like. This country, man. We might as well just start over.

  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

    The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

    You think you're into some kinky shit? Think again, asshole. I don't care what you get up to, I guarantee it doesn't involve edging an entire generation of moviegoers so hard you retcon their climax during the movie. Congrats on your harness or whatever but Stephanie Meyers could atomize you. I pray to God that she never finds out who I am.

  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

    The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

    Honestly this is the first one of these I've liked since the first one. I'm glad they finally just embraced how evil these movies are. A dam has burst and finally we're watching Kristen Stewart body horror. Everybody's talking about Edward's Deadly Dick. Everybody's pro-life even if that makes no sense, like when a band shows up on a TV show and every character says "those guys rock!" The day is saved by a character falling to his knees and…

  • The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

    The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

    There's an interview with Robert Pattinson where he says that reading these books in preparation for the role made him extremely uncomfortable, like this should've been kept private. People said he was being rude and, like, sure. But I don't think it's out of line to notice that you're starring in a blockbuster franchise built in the engine of chaste erotic fiction where everybody but Charlie is completely toxic and spiritually broken. What did you want him to say? That…

  • The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    I bet I could get Alice to leave that weird guy for me. I know it.

  • Twilight

    Twilight

    I don't blame people for making fun of this in 2008. Bella seems too horny to drive a car for 100% of the runtime and Edward seems to be holding down so much lust that he's constantly on the verge of barfing. Profoundly weird performances, especially given how great both lead actors would later reveal themselves to be. I guess what are you supposed to do with those spider monkey lines?

    But it's hard not to look back on it fondly in 2021 after more than a decade of glib, sexless blockbusters that seem terrified of being made fun of.

  • The Omen

    The Omen

    Ultimately a movie about how poorly equipped rich, emotionally distant WASPs are to deal with raising a kid with ADHD

  • Dune

    Dune

    I almost never recommend this but it seems like Paul and his mom should fuck

  • Cruella

    Cruella

    You can occasionally get a glimpse of the movie Emma Stone thought she was performing for. Every once in a while if you squint you can see the fun campy nonsense this was surely pitched as cresting the surface before slick completely emotionally hollow storytelling beats smash it on the head like a seal hunter on the ice.

    The most concise summary I can muster for this movie is that it gives Cruella a sympathetic dog sidekick for no reason…

  • Kill List

    Kill List

    Had a nice Halloween watching this while we got exactly three trick or treaters. I often find grim brutal violence to be a turn off but something about that Irish guy made me feel like I was in good hands. Sort of completely falls apart at the end but it's not like I'm perfect. Glad I didn't turn it off four seconds in because it was "way too British" as was my initial impulse.

  • Hobgoblins

    Hobgoblins

    I remember this making for a pretty good MST3K episode. I always loved when they would watch (at the time) recent stuff. That seemed to be a Mike thing, whereas Joel was more of a classic B-movie guy. Not a hard and fast rule by any means but just a trend I noticed as a kid. Personally, I started watching in the mid/late 90s and so I'm always gonna be a Mike guy. Huge respect to Joel, and I love a…