Branson has written 1,148 reviews for films with no rating.

  • The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    I bet I could get Alice to leave that weird guy for me. I know it.

  • Twilight

    Twilight

    I don't blame people for making fun of this in 2008. Bella seems too horny to drive a car for 100% of the runtime and Edward seems to be holding down so much lust that he's constantly on the verge of barfing. Profoundly weird performances, especially given how great both lead actors would later reveal themselves to be. I guess what are you supposed to do with those spider monkey lines?

    But it's hard not to look back on it fondly in 2021 after more than a decade of glib, sexless blockbusters that seem terrified of being made fun of.

  • The Omen

    The Omen

    Ultimately a movie about how poorly equipped rich, emotionally distant WASPs are to deal with raising a kid with ADHD

  • Dune

    Dune

    I almost never recommend this but it seems like Paul and his mom should fuck

  • Cruella

    Cruella

    You can occasionally get a glimpse of the movie Emma Stone thought she was performing for. Every once in a while if you squint you can see the fun campy nonsense this was surely pitched as cresting the surface before slick completely emotionally hollow storytelling beats smash it on the head like a seal hunter on the ice.

    The most concise summary I can muster for this movie is that it gives Cruella a sympathetic dog sidekick for no reason…

  • Kill List

    Kill List

    Had a nice Halloween watching this while we got exactly three trick or treaters. I often find grim brutal violence to be a turn off but something about that Irish guy made me feel like I was in good hands. Sort of completely falls apart at the end but it's not like I'm perfect. Glad I didn't turn it off four seconds in because it was "way too British" as was my initial impulse.

  • Hobgoblins

    Hobgoblins

    I remember this making for a pretty good MST3K episode. I always loved when they would watch (at the time) recent stuff. That seemed to be a Mike thing, whereas Joel was more of a classic B-movie guy. Not a hard and fast rule by any means but just a trend I noticed as a kid. Personally, I started watching in the mid/late 90s and so I'm always gonna be a Mike guy. Huge respect to Joel, and I love a…

  • The Being

    The Being

    The kills are fun and the creature is at all times soaking wet which is always a plus. There's a dream sequence about 3/5 of the way through this that I found beautiful. 

    Ultimately the budget is the star of the show, though. When you hear Fleetwood Mac on the radio and can tell that not a single dime was paid to anybody, that's good cinema. At one point our hero jumps across train tracks, narrowly missing a moving train.…

  • The Old Dark House

    The Old Dark House

    Karloff THRILLS in his most MONSTROUS role yet: a weird guy!

  • The Village

    The Village

    When I was in 8th grade we moved to a new school. There was a huge deal at my new school where the week before I got there a naturalist had given a talk at an assembly and been roasted within an inch of his life. I wasn't there but it was apparently nasty beyond the scope of usual 8th grader nastiness. He showed a picture of a baby deer and kids were shouting that he had cummed on the…

  • Sorority Row

    Sorority Row

    I remember liking this but it's possible I'm confusing it with a different movie or possibly a very sad news story.

  • The American Nightmare

    The American Nightmare

    Does a nice job tying horror into the cultural anxieties of the mid 20th century. Not the most surprising take to see Romero's zombies likened to consumers but I can't deny that seeing him laugh and say "they're us!" is welcome on my screen. Carpenter is a blast as always and Cronenberg is exactly as weird and socially distant as you want him to be but Hooper is a sort of the star of the show for me. He has…