Avengers: Endgame

Avengers: Endgame ★★

WHADDYA KNOW, It's Everything That We Expected, and Nothing More!!!: A Checklist.

✔remarkably visually unremarkable, with a muddy color pallete so dark and boring that it made me double check to see if i somehow put on RealD 3D glasses without realizing it
✔captain marvel ex machina!
✔cinematography straight out of a sitcom; if i had a dollar for every shot/reverse shot i could probably fund my own MCU movie
✔big main Avenger dies and gets a big sendoff that signifies an "end of an era"
✔bland forgettable score other than the main "DAN DAAAN DANDANNNNN"
✔thanos preaching
✔thanos not having fun
✔thanos not being a fun villain at all, really, especially when compared to death-thirsting thanos from the comics
✔did i mention the nyquil-tier camerawork? mise en what?
✔atrocious secondary-unit shot fight scenes with similar quality editing
✔time travel antics that are probably better when featured in a Disney Channel original movie
✔"but it took over 10 yearrrssss" is the equivalent of "but Boyhood took over 12 yearrrrsss" now, don't @ me
✔action is a muddled mess devoid of any visual flair or color; any scene from Age of goddamn Ultron puts this shit to shame
✔captain marvel ex machina! ...again!
✔lots of monologues about "moving on" and stuff
✔everyone is brought back of course! even the ones you thought wouldn't be! what a worthy sacrifice of that one Avenger who's gone now!
✔......wait so what's that about moving on again? oh so there's time travel so we can just tie up loose ends? oh.
✔acts and sequences that flow as smoothly as a well-measured baby formula

i can go on but there was seriously fucking nothing in this movie that surprised me. as much as i think Infinity War is a meme, at least that movie had the balls to go through with its stakes, but ofc even then we ALL KNEW a sequel was gonna happen where one main Avenger was gonna sacrifice themselves to bring them all back.

and yet people are happy about that?

why?

why do we dismiss such mediocrity just because it's "oh wow, 20 movies under one cohesive narrative oh my god! so unique and groundbreaking!"

sure it's impressive i guess that one movie is able to touch upon all the beats and arcs of the previous entries of the franchise for the most part, but they're just that: just touches, surface-level acknowledgments aside from the main, main Avengers, but even then the mere feat of trying to fit all these guys into one movie just makes the entire collective feel more like caricature than actual character.

look i just remember sitting there in 2012, all bright-eyed and absolutely GIDDY when i saw Thanos in the after-credits. i was extremely excited for the next decade of films, to see all of these characters grow and fight and fall and rise to fight together again, one last time.

i just don't know what happened. the magic is gone. Endgame is merely an MCU "best of" album, little nods and self-congratulatory pats on the back for fans who've recently binged all 20 of the MCU movies.

it's a glorified epilogue, 3 hours too long, tying everything up into a bigass, logical bow, with character beats that are so projected that you might as well have canned laughter and canned audience sobs edited into them, time travel plot points so contrived and safe and fanservicey that i could only sit, bored to tears, thinking of how much more fun i would be having rewatching a Doctor Who episode.

there's no unique voice, nothing visually-compelling, nothing that sets this movie apart other than "oh my fucking god it took more than 10 years to tell this story!! look at all the characters converging ahhhh!!!!!" which is a gimmick that lost all of its charm the second time around when they fought a quipping rogue artificial intelligence.

it, just like most of the MCU nowadays, is more product and more crowd-pleaser than it is film.

i don't know why i even let myself get excited for this after Infinity War. i guess there's always a part of me that wants to feel that magic from 2012 again, from discovering the machinations of Feige back when i was still a budding teen.

but like i said, that shit died a long time ago, and Endgame is just the final, tiresome goodbye to a friend i've long been estranged to.

seeya

call me again when your action scenes are actually watchable and you finally have Doctor Doom on board as the main villain

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