Beach has written 22 reviews for films rated .

  • Anatomy of a Murder

    Anatomy of a Murder

    Why is this even called "Anatomy of a Murder"? This movie is astoundingly disinterested in the case of murder and rape it spends nearly three agonising hours plodding around. Lee Remick’s character, the victim of sexual assault, acting flirtatious and nonchalant in a sea of legal victim-blaming made me furious lol, kick this movie back into the century it crawled from. Doesn't even have the wherewithal to feature good performances, be funny, or be remotely visually interesting - endless genial…

  • Blair Witch

    Blair Witch

    Fucking shut up.

  • Mank

    Mank

    Watched this yesterday and I've already forgotten what happened in it. Homage for homage's sake. The black and white filter makes Fincher's clinical stylisation look like Mars Needs Moms CGI.

  • Tenet

    Tenet

    Finally feels like Nolan taking risks, but manages to stay completely safe throughout. Hilariously pronounced "bwomps" from the soundtrack as it beats me over the head with Nolan's afternoon Wiki-dive. Just doesn't explain its lofty concepts well no matter how hard it tries to convince me it did. Honestly never been a premise I want to see in someone else's hands more - a director with a sense of humour, kinetic energy, wit, a soul. Played Poinie's Poin immediately after, it's really fun you should check it out.

  • Halloween Is Grinch Night

    Halloween Is Grinch Night

    yeah i think im bored to death of psychedelic animated sequences now

  • Hellraiser

    Hellraiser

    Lol this sucks man. Aside from the wonderful practical effects applied in the regeneration scene, there's nothing here for me. If you're going to be completely overwrought, crude, and vapid - at least don't be fucking boring.

  • Alice in Wonderland

    Alice in Wonderland

    Unbearably ugly soulless movie with matching politics. How did this piece of shit gross over a billion dollars.

  • Kronk's New Groove

    Kronk's New Groove

    Wow this movie is just character assassination. I loved Kronk to death, but now I think he's only okay. I was hoping for Young Yzma too, but they were too cowardly. Cunt movie.

  • Scoob!

    Scoob!

    every character except scoob looks like a fortnite skin

  • Thor: The Dark World

    Thor: The Dark World

    I've been watching the entire Marvel movie series and this is the only one I have any actual opinion on. Easily the worst in the entire MCU, genuinely boring and hard to sit through. Its one and only saving grace is the can of Vimto.

  • Dogma

    Dogma

    Oh my god this is such an embarrassing heap.
    It's like watching a slew of highly-regarded Hollywood stars going through a Reddit phase in unison, you spend the agonising 2-hour run time begging for them to stop posting on r/atheism.

  • What Happened to Monday

    What Happened to Monday

    Nutty Professor 2: Meet the Klomps for people who think there's any meat left on the orwellian dystopia bone. No new or unique ideas whatsoever, if you told me this was an adaptation of a young adult novel I'd be like "lol". Tone-deaf stupid shit, uses the setting as lip service with no sense for historicity, nudges the viewer with a thinly-veiled anti-choice allegory.
    Of course there was a rape scene, you don't have to watch it now. I hate mondays.

    Edit: Just looked at the director's filmography and it all makes sense now. The Norwegians are on thin ice.