Beach has written 19 reviews for films rated ★½ .

  • Spider-Man: No Way Home

    Spider-Man: No Way Home

    ★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    There are so many points this movie picks up and immediately drops that would make the premise legitimately frightening or effective, like characters reconciling with knowledge of the threads of fate they all seem to share. Moments where characters are shown processing creeping dread and doubt are shown and promptly discarded for a bad bubbly joke, because the writers can only deal in platitudes.
    The part where Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire showed up incited a rapturous response from the…

  • Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage

    Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage

    ★½

    Some of the most heinous editing I've ever seen in a documentary. Was it trying to evoke the feeling of stress and aimless indignation that permeated Woodstock '99, or was the director clumsily grasping at any talking point he could find an excuse to splice topless teen clips onto? How do you fail to condemn the organisers for being hapless fuckwits spinning their wheels while the event spiralled out of control? Were they your pals, Garret Price?
    Some interview segments…

  • Space Jam

    Space Jam

    ★½

    Of course you "liked this movie as a kid", children in the 90's hit trees with baseball bats for fun.

  • Loki

    Loki

    ★½

    Starts with an admittedly fun (if very Doctor Who) premise, and sharply devolves into hours of dry bureaucracy that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Modern-day mythmakers.

  • Black Widow

    Black Widow

    ★½

    The really depressing thing is that I essentially only watched this because I've watched the rest of the entire MCU. Clocking in for what feels like mandatory community service.

  • Monster Hunter

    Monster Hunter

    ★½

    A cautionary tale for what would happen to Monster Hunter if the series were passed down to Americans; the people conditioned into believing that Hershey's chocolate is chocolate. This movie was cut by a maniac and scored by a fax machine. One and a half starz for Ron Perlman moving around and doing things.

  • Interstellar

    Interstellar

    ★½

    Christopher Nolan is a cowardly director, or at the very least completely lacking in confidence. He's terrified of his own audience; that the broad scientific concepts being portrayed would feel disconnected from the narrative - so he makes sure every piece of dialogue "means something" to the grand mechanics of the story regardless of how clumsily it comes across. Terrified that the viewer would fail to understand what is going on, so the script paces back and forward between dry…

  • Night of the Lepus

    Night of the Lepus

    ★½

    the scariest question posed in 1972 was "what if rabbits slowly approached you"

  • Now You See Me

    Now You See Me

    ★½

    Dumbest movie I've ever seen by a wide margin, the plot twist is genuinely idiotic. It's so earnestly smug about it, too. God bless lol.
    Pretty fun though!!!! They make the cops look like cunts for the entire runtime, it's so cathartic.

  • The Cocoanuts

    The Cocoanuts

    ★½

    Female musical numbers be like *dolphin noises*
    Pretty much held together completely by Harpo and his incredible acumen for physical comedy, every single line of dialogue and joke has aged into the dirt.

    I still find it really funny that Zeppo is one of the poster boys despite having the personality and presence of a piece of mise-en-scene. Our Discord server uses an emote that's just his face and it's called :cunt:

  • The Hairy Ape

    The Hairy Ape

    ★½

    Welcome to the USS Hepatitis, don't touch the rails or the walls or surfaces. The women on this ship are here to ruin the vibes. In this rusty coffin, we drink and shovel coal until we're 65. What do you mean 'learn to code', it's 1944, and I am the titular Hairy Ape.
    Hell is real because humans can create hell. Imagine what hell a more intelligent creature could create.

  • Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness

    Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness

    ★½

    When will I learn not to give in to Hot New Netflix Documentary hype? They're all bloated, meandering, irresponsible pieces of shit.

    A poorly constructed documentary that revels in animal/spousal abuse. It has no message, it doesn't even care about the animals, it exists entirely to gawk at bad people doing bad things.

    People made the Trailer Park Boys comparison before but I can't stress enough how much more enriched you'd feel by watching that instead