• Steven Universe: The Movie

    Steven Universe: The Movie

    ★★★½

    I was JUST thinking about how great Peacock from Skullgirls was so this movie was precision engineered for me. Nice spin on the themes of the show, lends a surprising amount of emotional weight, even though they flub it at the end. Patching a codependent relationship with another is a bad message.

    Spinel's voice actress gives the best performance I've probably ever heard for an animated character. Where's her trophy and king-sized cake?

  • Stalker

    Stalker

    ★★★★★

    The title card popped up like five times throughout the movie and I'm still like "Ah go on, you've earned them".
    СТАЛКЕР
    СТАЛКЕР
    СТАЛКЕР
    СТАЛКЕР
    СТАЛКЕР

  • In Fabric

    In Fabric

    ★★★★

    Textile witches delivering the most flowery prose in the form of retail-speak is so good. Fatma Mohamed is my new goth icon, praying I get to buy some killer Vans off her in a House of Fraser near me.
    The sound design is SO good, I adored the trance-like bits. This movie's gonna be plucking at the threads of my subconscious for a while, I think!

  • Good Burger

    Good Burger

    ★★★★

    "You think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass"

    I watched this as a half-joke, for something in the background while I played Euro Truck Simulator 2. Turns out I didn't look away from the movie at all, and spent the entire hour absentmindedly turning a streetlamp into mulch.
    Ed is the best character in any media, ever, we should all strive to be like him.

    The revolution will not be televised, but it will come on the orange Nickelodeon VCR.

  • The Hudsucker Proxy

    The Hudsucker Proxy

    ★★★½

    Business, it's a circle, you know?
    I was convinced it'd be the best movie I ever saw until around the midpoint, after which it didn't quite have the same exhilarating energy and witty dialogue that made me fall in love with it. Honest to God, felt like watching something set in the same world as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
    Not the best Coen Bros I've seen, but that's still a very high bar.
    Three and a half stars (not counting the mezzanine)

  • But I'm a Cheerleader
  • Pain & Gain

    Pain & Gain

    ★★★★★

    What if weights, but too much?
    Was so ready to hate this, but it just completely clicked. I think I love it???

    Look at the front cover, two of the world's primest cuts of beef on a cooldown from a lifting sesh, superimposed onto an American flag.
    A movie so strongly about abundance that it is bursting at the seams with gluttony and hatred. Michael Bay is the most misanthropic filmmaker alive. I think people dislike this movie because it's…

  • Booksmart

    Booksmart

    You can feel the movie pump the breaks every five minutes to posture itself into telling a joke it's not confident about, it's the film equivalent of riding a car driven by someone with a provisional. I like that they got Gabe Nandez on the soundtrack though.
    Here's my review: "It's for rich cunts. If you're not American and white just fucking run."

  • Our Town

    Our Town

    ★★★½

    Family photos fading into graves, a patchwork quilt morphing into comfortably familiar rolling farm hills. A beautiful exploration of life and love that is sickeningly trite at times, mind-numbingly boring at others.
    But I couldn't look away, gave me such goosebumps. One of the plainest tales of idealised 1940's Americana (fucking lol, honestly) that won me over because of how warm-hearted it was throughout.

  • John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

    John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

    ★★

    Tried to like this but I was about as bored as Keanu looked. I'm not an action guy so scenes like the Motorbike Sword Fight felt like watching a ps2 action game longplay. Just a constant drone of bloodletting that is just barely stylish and well choreographed enough to not become soul-rending. My eyes kept glazing over and imagining Lance Reddick lovingly feeding the dog opulent treats.

    Love how the mystery of the High Table's limitless power that kept me…

  • Alita: Battle Angel

    Alita: Battle Angel

    ★½

    The most resonant scene was when an old man climbed down a ladder to say "I hate that", then went back up, never to be seen again.

  • Invader ZIM: Enter the Florpus

    Invader ZIM: Enter the Florpus

    ★★★★★

    "NOT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE"

    God it felt so good to return to this world again. A planet so sick with its own gluttony that even the walls seem to be sweating a thick grease, reflecting the bilious mulberry glow of the corporate neon signs that made it so. The daytime sky reduced to an uneasy crimson that makes you feel like it could just start raining coal. The camera always finding new ways to present the environments as claustrophobic and strangely…