Paint Drying

Paint Drying

Didn’t really watch but I kinda want to rant something. 

I created this account last April just to log films I’ve watched and keep track of everything I’ve seen (that is on Letterboxd, that is) and since then, I’ve tried my very best to write a substantial review to the best of my ability. For the past ten months or so, I’ve watched over a hundred or so feature-length films, and to say that it made my perspective a little bit wider is an understatement. Some films changed my entire viewpoint on certain things and I’m very glad that it did. But whenever I try to pour my heart out in writing a review for that specific film, I always encounter multiple people who always talk shit about it. 

I admit, I’m not the most fluent English speaker, let alone a writer, because English is not my first language–and even I struggle in Filipino, and it’s to no one’s surprise that I will make some grammatical errors here and there, but this person makes fun of the simplest mistake I may have missed out while writing. I usually tend to not read what I’ve written more than twice because if I did it wouldn’t really get finished, but damn I’ve never seen someone so dedicated in making me insecure.

Whenever I write a personal review, such as the one I’ve wrote in Ode to Nothing, I’m Thinking of Ending Things, and even in as if nothing happened, this person doesn’t hesitate in making fun of it, as if connecting to a film is such a bad thing. I usually relate most of my personal reviews to my relationship with my mother or my personal education experience, but this person shrug it off like it’s nothing to be sentimental or emotional about. I’m sorry if I start off some of my reviews as such, but don’t expect me to write a senior-level film critic review when I’m only twenty and barely had any experience with such matter. I’ve spent numerous hours reading other people’s reviews and analyses to understand what I did wrong. I’ve tried doing long reviews with spoilers, short but concise reviews, and even personal thoughts (I don’t even dare to call it a review anymore because this person kept on gatekeeping the term) but this special someone keeps making fun of them. No matter what I did, it’s always not professional enough in their eyes. 

I usually don’t let these get into me, as I don’t really have that much experience into this, but I’m trying because watching films can make my day better and writing a good review feels like I’m giving it justice, but this person often mocks me in front of my friends, like I’m the dumbest one. It has come to a point that whenever someone in that particular group ask an opinion, I don’t even say anything, because I know what I’m going to say won’t matter to them and they’ll just ignore it. It’s exhausting trying to please some people and tonight I’ve just had enough. I’ve also had a fight with my sibling earlier today so I’m already pissed but hearing them say that my opinion isn’t needed for the nth time made my blood boil that I just snapped and left. I get it. 

It’s honestly sad because I’ve grown with these people, but being constantly humiliated and ignored is exhausting and I’ve had enough. It’s also one of the reasons why I’m so inactive in Letterboxd–because I’ve become so insecure of my writing that I struggle to finish a review this year. It feels like it’s not enough or it’s too long or it’s too personal. It’s to a point that I’ve loathed this website because I’m not as good as most of my mutuals. I’m not really mad at anyone, but I’m too unhappy nowadays that I feel hopeless. I really don’t want to take another break again because I’ve honestly missed interacting with my mutuals and other people here on Letterboxd, but it’s really difficult writing anything more than a sentence since the year started. Maybe it’s because of the immense real-life pressure I’m experiencing right now that I feel so hyper sensitive but I just want to get it out of my chest.

If you’ve read it this far, I just want to say thank you for sticking with me, despite being a constant disappointment. I’ll try to fix my life off-screen and work on my mental health and well being. I’m still sticking to my old schedule of watching 2-3 films per day, but you may not see me post reviews as often as before. I’ll work hard on my writing and maybe get help from a real film critic, but I’ll never give up writing. I’m too engrossed in watching films that I won’t give this hobby up.  

Again, sorry for the long rant and thank you for reading. Have a great (and safe) day or night or whatever.

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